CANDYLAND: DARK AVENGER

Ah, Hollywood! They are officially out of ideas.

I saw this when it was announced years ago, but it's finally here. Battleship the movie. Based on the game!

http://movies.yahoo.com/blogs/movie-talk/battleship-changes-game-first-trailer-premiere-162012802.html:

"So how are they turning a fairly simple two-player strategy game into a two-hour silver-screen spectacle?  By adding aliens . . .


Out off the coast of Hawaii for an international training exercise, Alex discovers a massive vessel floating in the water.  It rises up into the air, and suddenly the war games aren't so fun anymore.

So obviously it's not a direct translation of the game, but it does promise to retain many of the fundamental elements of the original . . . And the Naval ships will have their radar disabled, so they will have to strategize to figure out where their enemies are lurking."

Heck, it's probably goofy fun in the end, but I'm amused that we're at the point where Hollywood is licensing board games with basically no stories to make into movies. I mean is there really THAT much marketing synergy to be gained from being associated with the Battleship game?

Anyway, I need to get started on my script for CANDYLAND: DARK AVENGER:

THIS FILM IS RATED PG-13 for INTENSE SCENES OF FANTASY VIOLENCE, SOME SENSUALITY, AND FOR BEING CREATIVELY BANKRUPT.

IN A WORLD WHERE SWEETNESS REIGNS BUT THE KING IS MISSING:

Queen Frostine: The King is missing. Someone must find him before the Vegetable Armies invade!

ONLY ONE WARRIOR CAN GET THE CARDS HE NEEDS . . .

[Sam Worthington as 'Sugarus' enters the scene holding a small card with a green rectangle in his hand. He tosses it into the air and morphs into a huge green sword]

TO ENSURE THAT EVERYONE MAKES IT TO THE FINAL SQUARE . . .

[Sugarus, trailed by Queen,  throws another card into the air and a shimmering doorway appears]

Sugarus: Run, damn you, run!

[Heavy rock music blares. Sugarus turns. Several humanoid carrot men advance with menacing axes. He jumps into the air in slow 'bullet-time' and slices through a carrot with his green sword

FROM THE DIRECTOR OF CRANK: HIGH VOLTAGE AND CRANK 2 . . .

AND THE PRODUCERS OF CLASH OF THE TITANS . . .

COMES ONE SWEET BUT EPIC ADVENTURE

[Sugarus leaps off a cliff with two swords in hand and impales two tomato soldiers].

CANDYLAND: DARK AVENGER

The sad thing is, someone probably WOULD pay for a script like that. :)

Yeah, I shouldn't kid myself. I probably would go see that movie. Haha.